‘They’ Series
‘They Series: Family
When trying to figure out ideas for nonbinary topics, I realized that I’ve talked about the nonbinary pronoun ‘they’ but there are also differences to contexts in which people saying the pronoun might learn to use it. There’s family, friends, kids, ect.
So this blog series is going to be for those people in a nonbinary person’s life that are struggling or starting to say ‘they’ and what they can do to help themselves, and their nonbinary person.
The Context:
You are this person’s mom, their dad, their parent, their sister, their brother, or their sibling. Their aunt, uncle, cousins, or grandparents, and everyone else twice removed. You want to support your ‘niephew’, child, cousin, or sibling and that is so great! And a step in the right direction.
But ‘They’ seems complicated, and when you were in first grade, your teacher said to rarely use ‘They’ for an individual person unless you don’t know their gender. Well, that works perfectly in this case! And is becoming widely used as time goes on.
The Work:
Your nonbinary person has come out to you. You may not understand them, but you want to support them. So here’s the work. Read these to yourself and try to understand how singular ‘They’ works in sentences and conversation.
“They are amazing just the way they are.”
“Pass them their drink.”
“They are turning 25, they’re so old!”
“When are they going to be home?”
“I love them.”
“Their cat is meowing up a storm.”
“There they are!”
The phrases will sound awkward at first, but the more that you practice, just like anything else, the better you will be, and soon it will simply roll off the tongue!
Making Mistakes:
It’s going to happen. First, accept that. Even if you believe you are perfect at learning everything that has to do with grammar, you will mess this up, and your nonbinary person knows this. Trust me they have prepared themselves specifically for it.
In that situation, a nonbinary person will brush it off, say it was okay, and that you’re trying and they knew it would happen. They will be okay.
What will make them feel worse, is the constant over apologizing people tend to do when they mess up. It brings attention to you and your shortfall, and makes them feel guilty for telling you to use ‘They’, and then both parties feel awkward and tense.
So my advice for when you slip up and misgender is to catch yourself, correct yourself, and move on. This normalizes the use of ‘They’ in conversation and keeps both of you from getting into that awkward moment.
Indirect Conversation:
Family members tend to talk about those they love to lots of people, and once your nonbinary person comes out, they may want you to stop calling them ‘daughter’, ‘son’, ‘sister’, ‘brother’, or any other specified gendered term for a relative.
In this case, it’s best to just ask them what they’d like to be called, to their face and when in reference with others. They will appreciate knowing that you aren’t going around still calling them your “_____”.
And in conversation with others, and the person you’re speaking with misgenders your nonbinary person, maybe take them aside later and explain the pronouns to the person.
However, talk about this with your nonbinary person too, as they might have preferences on who they want to know that they’re nonbinary in the first place.
Overall, the goal of this series is to normalize singular ‘They’ in our society and show everyone that it isn’t so ‘weird’ or ‘odd’ to refer to a nonbinary person as who they are.
‘They’ Series: Friends
Continuing my Series of the singular pronoun “They”, I’d like to turn the conversation to friends!
The Context:
You are a nonbinary person’s best friend. Maybe you’ve known them your whole life, or two years. Maybe you’re their peer in a college class, a coworker at their occupation, or just an acquaintance that wants to respect them as someone that could become your friend, that’s cool too!
Using your friend’s ‘They’ pronouns is an amazing thing you can do to support them, and help society as well by normalizing it in typical conversation.
You might not know much about singular ‘They’, and using it might sound weird for someone you’ve known a while, but if you care, it becomes way easier.
The Work:
However, it does take work. You might mess up, but that is okay. Focus on what you and your nonbinary friend do to hang out or relax. Think about those late night convos you’ve had or the jokes you’ve told at work. Now try to think about them again while saying them with the ‘They’ pronouns instead.
“They said they didn’t like that food but we had it anyway cause we were so hungry!”
“I remember when they insisted they were going to steal my cat. Now they have Mr. Whiskers!”
“They were always the tattletale, but I was rebellious.”
“They did an amazing job with that display. Their best work!”
“They’ve worked here so long, they deserve a raise!”
“I love them, they’re my they-bae.”
The more time you spend with your they-friend, the more literate with ‘They’ you will be. Make sure that you’re still making an effort when you don’t see them for a long time though, it can hurt your person’s feelings if they have to remind you, their friend, who they are.
Making Mistakes:
This is going to happen, and your friend knows this! They have mentally prepared for it but that doesn’t mean they are immune to the dysphoria and pain it can cause to be misgendered. Make sure you are somewhat consistently aware of your person’s identity if you can’t be aware all of the time. Eventually using ‘They’ will become natural and your friendship will blossom brighter because of it!
Indirect Conversation:
Make sure you and your nonbinary friend talk about which friends/people in their life they are out to before you go around saying ‘They’ around some of their other friends and their family! Respecting the boundaries around their identity is very important, especially if you’re both under 18, with school, home, and other activities that could go awry if they are outed.
If they do say you can mention them being nonbinary with others and they’re out publicly as a nonbinary person, they might want you to stick up for them! Ask your nonbinary friend what you should do if someone misgenders them, and how you can help them in the process of helping others understand their ‘They’ pronouns.
Respect and acceptance for the nonbinary person is the key to using singular ‘They’ pronouns and helping others understand the meaning and the method that is important to this rapid adaptation to the English language, and to include Nonbinary and Genderqueer people in society.
‘They’ Series: Kids and Teens
This ‘They’ series entry is meant for teaching the kids in the lives of Nonbinary folks!
This is for children, siblings, cousins, and friends!
Let’s start with the basics:
In school, we learn about boy and girl, men and women. We learn that we are assigned one of these categories at birth based on our body and that typically, it isn’t changed.
Some people are ‘cisgender’ people, meaning that they feel like the gender they were assigned at birth. But there are a lot of people who don’t feel like the gender they were assigned at birth. This usually means that they are transgender. Transgender folks can be assigned boy but feel like a girl, or assigned girl and feel like a boy, or, assigned girl or boy and feel like neither.
Neither is where Nonbinary comes in. A Nonbinary person is someone who doesn’t feel all the time like a girl or a boy. They feel either no gender (Agender), a third gender, multiple genders (Multigender), or even a mix between girl and boy. They are outside of the Gender Binary of strictly girl or boy.
Typically, the nonbinary person in your life will use the pronoun ‘They’. But what are pronouns, and how are they used?
Here are some pronouns you’ll be taught in school:
She, He, They
Hers, His, Theirs
She is, He is, They are
‘She’ typically refers to someone who feels like a girl or on a Feminine spectrum.
‘He’ typically refers to someone who feels like a boy or on a Masculine spectrum.
‘They’ can refer to a group of people, but is also used to refer to someone who feels like neither boy or girl, or on the spectrum between masculine, feminine, and nonbinary.
‘They’ is very important to your nonbinary person, and they will appreciate you using it for them.
How do you use it? Here are some examples:
- I love their shirt.
- They are really fun to be around!
- They can’t tag me!
- I love playing with them.
- Ask them if they want a snack.
It’s really easy to use ‘They’ for someone once you use it often!
In future conversations, when you’re meeting someone for the first time, it’s also polite to ask for their pronouns so that you know what they like to be called. People could also have two or more pronouns as they identify with multiple genders, so just ask them which one they would like you to use.
Try not to assume someone’s pronouns, it can be considered rude and a lot of people might express a certain type of gender, but they might not be who you think. So it’s always nice to ask!
Using ‘They’ until you know someone’s pronouns is appropriate because it is a neutral pronoun, used for anyone whose gender you do not know.
Don’t worry too much about messing up someone’s pronouns. As long as you are being respectful in trying to use their pronouns, they will be grateful for it!
The nonbinary person in your life loves you as you are, and knows you love them and support them in their gender quest!
Word Key:
Transgender: When someone is a different gender than the one they were assigned at birth.
Nonbinary: Being neither girl or boy, feeling both binary genders, in between binary genders, third gender, or no gender.
Gender Binary: The gender categories of girl or boy, woman or man.
They: In this article’s context, the pronoun typically used for Nonbinary people.
Feminine Spectrum: The feeling that you feel sometimes or all the time, closer to the ‘girl’ side of the gender spectrum.
Masculine Spectrum: The feeling that you feel sometimes or all the time, closer to the ‘boy’ side of the gender spectrum.
No Gender or Agender: Feeling void of gender, of having no gender, or neutral gender.
Third Gender: Feeling a completely different gender than a girl or boy.
Multigender: Feeling multiple genders at once.
Thanks for Reading! Now go out there and use ‘They’ often!
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