Member-only story
The Pain In My Chest-Why I Need Top Surgery
tw/cw: chest talk, dysphoria, mental health, suicidal thoughts
When I was younger, I went through puberty as everyone does, but it definitely came with its challenges of conflicting feelings. I think there’s a big difference between dysphoria and disconnect in a trans person’s life. When I was younger, I had no distress about my gender and my body, I just assumed the disconnect was how I should feel, as my body was constantly changing.
I didn’t feel any distress about my growing chest, or the hair on my legs and armpits, even when I was told to be concerned about the hair growing and shaving so I could be “sanitary”, which I now know is a lie. So, by most standards, my puberty was a normal “female” one in the stereotypical sense. I consistently wanted a larger chest, mostly because I felt behind my girl peers, and that my body should have been farther along, that it was taking too long. Maybe because I wanted it to be over with?
I do remember, however, that I had an American Girl Body Book that I constantly looked back at the page where it showed a girl’s chest growing into a woman’s chest. The final product was large, rounded breasts, and I would stare at them in the book. Wondering when they will become that large, and dreading this outcome at the same time. It’s a weird feeling when you are this disconnected from…
