Member-only story
My Second Sexual Awakening
I am, extremely scared. In my life until now, I wasn’t afraid of sexual things. This being kinks, sexual arousal, embarrassing things in the bedroom, just laying with one another, none of it has ever felt awkward or not-right.
Except now I have chest dysphoria. I am a nonbinary trans masculine individual and will be getting top surgery. But before I do that, I still have a C-cup chest. This chest is not comfortable for me. And I know because I keep trying to ignore this aspect of myself but it’s too much pain to ignore. For the past 6–9 months I’ve steered clear of sexual actions with my partner. I thought it was because my anxiety medicine was interfering with my libido. But really, I was just scared of my dysphoria. And even though he has said otherwise, I am so afraid that my partner will no longer find me attractive once I have had top surgery.
These fears are all related to social transphobia as well. We are told in society that a trans body is not natural. And that sex with trans people is a sin, is disgusting, a trap or whatever other horrible tropes have been repeated in media, the public, and constantly placed on the backs of trans and queer people, cisgender heterosexual people constantly asking us, “How in the hell do you queers have sex?” This is what makes me so uncomfortable.
