Member-only story
I Am Scared of My BPD
I’m afraid of changing course again, I’m afraid of what I don’t know, and I’m afraid of the times that I am manic.
CW: Borderline Personality Disorder, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Manic Episodes, Passive Suicidal Ideation.
I have talked about my Borderline Personality Disorder before, but mostly about how I manage it. I rarely tell people that I am afraid of it.
Obviously, as it is a mental disorder that impairs my life, I do want to feel better, and I work hard to accomplish that by observing my feelings and talking them out in therapy. But it doesn’t just impair my life, it burdens it as well.
Let me be clear that this in no way contributes to the stereotyping of others with BPD that says that folks with BPD are unstable and that people should be afraid of them. That is definitely not my take on this. This is just my personal experience with my own mental illness and my behavior as I’ve observed it.
In another article I wrote about the multitude of living with BPD, I talked about how I experience it as very black and white thinking. This can lead to thoughts that come back again and again even when I thought I’d gotten rid of them. As well as bad habits I thought I’d gotten rid of deciding to creep back up my spine.
This can lead to thoughts that come back again and again…
