Community for Queer Parents in Portland
I want to be a queer parent myself in the future, so I decided to figure out the state of community and support systems of queer parents in Portland by interviewing four queer parent participants on their experiences of community and support.
They all gave an invaluable look into their daily experiences being queer parents in Portland. To analyze access to community for queer parents in Portland, I asked about their experiences with finding friends, community, and with navigating family-friendly events and their place in conjunction within heteronormative society as well. The following are their personal experiences.
The first thing I wanted to know when it came to the community was where do you find fellow queer parents? How do you find them?
Judah explained, “Gatherings for our queer folks and allies at work, and so that’s something where I’ve gotten to know other people and like to listen to them, but also provide [for them]. Yeah, I meet people through that, you know. I’m part of a couple of you know, Facebook groups, which is obviously how you and I met”. Facebook groups seem to be a large contributor to finding community between queer parents in Portland. As Katrina agreed, “I am in like that, Portland LGBTQ Plus like parent groups on Facebook. I know that they set up a lot of get-togethers like play dates or meetings. So you know, make new friends and stuff within the community”.Online forums and social media platforms like Facebook have long been popular for finding community when local options are limited. However, from Katrina’s experience, it seems they use the parent groups on Facebook to plan many local events.
Apart from online communities, queer parents also find potential friends through their children’s schools. Ari explained, “So I have a lot of people like in my outer community that are queer and parents. I meet quite a few through schools, and I joined some parenting groups, and there were a couple in there as well”. Rosa had the most varied experience finding other queer parents,
“Our union at work. From that, some other parents. So I guess I know more than 2. I probably know about 5, but I’m close with 2, and I’ve met a significant number of them through the union space. I don’t necessarily seek out friendships like they kind of happen. But it’s mostly like, getting to know people with their experiences, and sometimes, you know, in a parent setting..it’s really hard, like the older you get to be able to make those connections”.
Rosa raised a crucial point about the challenges of finding friends as you age, especially when you’re no longer involved with your child’s school. Where else can you meet new queer people? Besides queer bars, there aren’t many places where one can assume a majority of attendees are queer. This suggests that cisgender and heterosexual individuals may have an easier time maintaining friendships, as shared identities often facilitate conversations and connections. In contrast, queer individuals can’t assume everyone they meet is queer, limiting their options for community building.
Next, I wanted to know if the parents had their own definition of community, and what it meant to them. “Intentional groups of people with intentional interactions around a common subject or value set”, emphasized Judah. Katrina said similarly, “I think it’s a place that’s very inviting and accepting. Where you feel like you belong”. Ari emphasized that it can be anyone, “I guess community it’s just people you grow with and rely on and find support with them. They can be anybody from neighbors to friends, to teachers, to your grocery store clerks”. While Rosa focused on shared values, “It’s definitely like a lot of shared values, you know, I have friends who tend to be like pretty religious or are not necessarily us like left and stuff like that. But I think that one of the things that really continues to like maintain our relationship, or like friendship, is that we all have core values like helping people”. Belonging and shared connection seemed to be at the forefront of their definitions of community, something that they are always looking for when looking to connect with other queer parents or parents in general. I can’t think of many queer-friendly family events that fit this description of providing shared connection and belonging. It seemed like something where the parents have to reach out to others themselves, which can seem like a daunting task for queer people.
Large public events often focus on separate experiences and individual moments rather than community-based actions like doing a craft together or an art/performance and sharing space with others. However, If you think about it, many non-explicitly queer family-centered events do focus on these principles. Storytimes involve sharing a story that resonates with the entire audience, allowing them to bond over a shared experience. Support groups facilitate connections by bouncing ideas off individuals, fostering a sense of community. Additionally, art and performance events in parks highlight the importance of audience participation and engagement. One could argue that these events are inherently queer as they embody the values of connection and belonging that queer parents aspire to experience.
I asked if there were queer family-friendly events in Portland that stood out to them that exemplified these aspects of community. Judah said that they always wrangle a group of teens to Portland Pride, as well, “When L. was young we did a lot of, you know, just kind of family, friendly library events that were very let's say queer inclusive in terms of the reading materials, like book readings and such [and also] we’ve been involved in the Pickathon Music Festival for a long time”. They also explained the feeling of being amongst other queer parents at an event, “And you can have intuition and just this commonality, that it’s not like you couldn’t explain to other people. But not having to always explain, is reducing an emotional burden”.
Katrina was also keen on the Portland Pride parade for a family-friendly time, “[The Pride parade] That’s the only one I could think of. I know there has to be more, though. I mean, we’re in Portland, but that’s the only one I could think of”. Katrina’s inability to think of other queer family-friendly events could underscore a larger problem for Portland, that it has plenty of events, but not many queer ones that are also considered ‘family friendly’. This term ‘family friendly’ can mean something different to many people, some more strict than others. This could also be a hypothesis as to why venues don’t often put on events for families since the label is so vague. Rosa also emphasized the Pride parade, though she noticed that the Center for Students with Children where she goes for events at PSU could be more queer-friendly with their events,
“I love pride. It’s not, I mean we try to go through it as much as possible. And I mean with the unions becoming like more of that space for us, you know, because of this, like very peer, friendly family inviting, and stuff… But outside of that I would say, like the parent group…here at PSU but I haven’t necessarily– I mean, we’ve been to a couple of events, but they haven’t necessarily been queer here, you know, and I think that’s maybe some work that they might need to do in the future”.
For a center that is ironically located across from the PSU’s Queer Resource Center, this was an interesting revelation to me from Rosa. For Ari, their answer was the most unique, more music and show-focused events were a hit with their family,
“There’s like kids' music acts that perform 3 times a week. Mister Ben Mofellow, Ed Yarn. What are their names? Oh, Pepto Dismal! They’re like anarchist clowns, and they’re amazing. And they do kids shows at coffee shops and in parks every week, and they’re so like they’re really outspoken about, you know, the gender spectrum and just being supportive of their songs always include not just Mom and Dad, they go above and beyond’’.
This experience is an example of what some wouldn’t consider ‘family-friendly’ because it talks about topics of gender, sexuality, and non-normative families. A consequence of the heteronormative status quo that stifles events like these. But for this nonbinary parent and their kids, it’s a perfectly good time.
Finally, through all of this talk about queer family-friendly events, I wanted to know exactly what type of event would be the epitome of events for these queer families. What are they looking for when they look to connect with the community?
Judah imagined a type of day camp for families,
“Age-dependent, cause parenting very little kids is different than parenting like elementary age kids, which is very different than parenting, like, you know, tweens and teens. Isn’t gonna be just one. So beyond that, one of the best kinds of, I’d say, very supportive events I’ve seen is Breitenbush Hot Springs. That was, you know, family inclusive, doing like, you know, nature walks, and you know music, and things like that were very inclusive of a wide range of abilities. In my ideal world, it would be a much more fluid sort of approach. That honors kids going off to be kids together, and, you know, grown-ups going to be grown-ups and then mixed time as well, and really kind of fluidly create space for all of those things”.
Ari took a similar stance with a camp-type event.
“Camping is pretty great, and a lot of camping, it brings communities together, I think, in a way where you’re sharing meals, you’re sharing space. And I think you can really build relationships and get away from the, you know, electronics and really connect with people. So I think that would be something that I would have involved there would probably be some music, because I love the arts, and I think the Queers love the arts, and then you know, I think some of the times when I find that my kids connect best with other families. And I love for them to have relationships with other kids of queer families”.
Rosa was less specific but focused on the intended queer feeling of the event space. “So really, it’s like queer, you know, representative of the community, but also the broad, like the spectrum of what families are. It’s really important. And then you could all just share your experiences, and they would get to see multiple different types of families because there’s so many types that just are never talked about”. Most importantly, all parents expressed the need for their children to see different perspectives, and families, and be around queer people. They want events that engage their families in an intersectional and intentional event that spurs their kids’ curiosities and ignites their imaginations. Somewhere that they can connect with other queer parents and understand one another. Where they don’t have to explain their identities to everyone they meet. Is Portland up to the task?
